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BEARS!: The coolest fucking animal on this goddamn planet. End of story. If you think otherwise, then you can fuck off.

Why are Bears so cool?

Killing Power

Bears are absolutely hands down the most ferocious predators out there. They can rip down buildings with a mere swipe of their paw. They have the ability kill 50 people in the blink of the eye, and they can be used to assassinate many high level political members. It is no wonder bears are feared by mankind just as much as they are feared by other animals in nature.

So your asking yourself. How did these bears evolve to become such a bloody hamburger-making machines? Well its a very unique story. You see, in the dawn of life, Solarzarus, God of the Sun and Small Walnuts, decided to create the the earth. He did this out of rage towards Lunatirius, God of the Moon, who is a really big slut and who was cheating on him with Pureé,

Jesus. She is such a whore
God of Wussiness and fast culinary blenders. Thus the Earth was thus created to keep an eye on that skanky bitch and make sure she didn't start doing anything stupid with some random stranger. But in his haste Solarzarus forgot to put beings on the planet and so he had no means of actually spying on Lunatirius, and the Earth for some time was just the big oval shaped bowel movement floating in space and getting in the gods way. Thus bears were created. With their super eyesight, ultra super stregnth, and blazing speed, they became the spies for Solarzarus. Covering the distance from the earth to the sun just under 5 mins, they are the only things that are known to travel faster then the speed of light.

Of course, Solarzarus forgot to forsee the evolution of small biochemical molecules on that shitty planet and thus peptides and mitochondria formed creating all the other stuff we have on earth today. This story is true because I confirmed it by talking to a bear. That the bear's only weakness, they can't lie.

Transforming Power

Not only equipped with diamond tipped claws and teeth, bears have the power to transform any object they so please. I will update you more on this when I research it

Sexing Power

You ever wonder why all hollywood stars are so sexy? Well, I bet you know the answer. Thats right they are all bears. Take for instance, Brad Pitt. Isn't is he so hot!! Well hes infact a 323-pound Florida Black Bear (Ursus americanus) named Kiko. Amanda Peet is really just this 400-pound Malaysian Sun Bear (Ursus malayanus) named Richard. And Harry Belafonte is really just this Japanese toilet.

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